Gaining and Losing: Self Confidence

Self confidence is really a fickle bitch, one day you are full of it and another you feel like the troll under a bridge who doesn’t want to be bothered by anyone. Sometimes self confidence isn’t real, it is just a protective outer shell holding together the pieces of someone who is really falling apart inside. I wouldn’t go as far as saying that I have struggled with self confidence more than I have the reigns of it slipping away from me tim and time again. My self confidence levels yo-yo from sometimes and there is nothing you can really do but talk yourself through it and deal.

Since age 12 I have dieted on and off losing 10-20 here and there trying to be the thinner person that I could be. I never felt like I was a normal or average sized person until this year, mostly because I wasn’t. Technically I am still overweight but I don’t feel that I look as overweight as I used to, and neither do my peers around me. Growing up I considered myself a pretty girl but I did not feel that way about my body. I would do my makeup and get done up and inside I felt like a goddess so beautiful, radiant, and charismatic. My inside feelings did show through to my exterior, I put off a confident air with this IDGAF what you think about me attitude. I also had a deeper layer where I secretly watched the way people reacted to me and heard the rude comments that they said and just buried them deep within myself. It wears down on you, makes you feel like you won’t be good enough and pushes you away from putting yourself out there so that you can meet new people. I always stayed around the people I was comfortable with, people I didn’t have to worry whether they cared if I was too fat or not. They always liked me for me. I am not exaggerating either, I have had the same friends since elementary school and jr. high adding on another few here and there. There’s about 9 or 10 of us, we are really tight and will hang out as trolls under the bridge together when we don’t feel like being beauty queens….I think friends like this are something that every person needs. IMG_5259 (2)

But a person can’t rely on others to keep their self confidence levels intact. I have learned to use mantras and sayings to deal when I am feeling a little low. My favorite is from The Help:

“You is kind. You is smart. You is important.”

While the grammar is not proper it really gets the point across. A person cannot rely on beauty to give them all of their self confidence, so when I am being that troll under the bridge I rely on my intelligence and kindheartedness to remember my importance in this world. I may be as thin as I have ever been before but we all feel like little ugly trolls sometimes and looking at the positive parts of yourself can really help with that. When it comes to self confidence and dating that is a whole other ballgame which I will get to on a future post…I am still working on that myself.


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